Don't Just Stand There! Free the Radicals!

So a few mornings ago, I wake up on the bus. I think we had just arrived in Yakima. I'm not really a morning person. I like to take my time when I get up. Don't really leap out of my bed and do calisthenics. On a bus it's particularly hard to get up and be in a good mood especially when you are immediately pressed together in a small sitting area trying to pull on your pants, shirt and shoes all at the same time as two other people. Back when I was a young lad, I would actually get up earlier than everyone else to avoid having to do the dance. I still get up early, but it seems on this tour, everyone is onto me and they all wake up at the same time as I do.

But I digress...

I was sitting in the back lounge of my bus staring at the most unusual site. Before me was a case of what at first appeared to be soda, but upon closer inspection it was nothing of the sort. Where the heck did this come from, and what the heck is FRS? I pulled a can out and in my groggy state began to read the label, "FRS - all natural - antioxidant health drink."

I turned the can over and continued to read, "FRS (Free Radical Scavenger) contains a patented combination of Flavonoids (natures most powerful antioxidants), essential vitamins and metabolic enhancers. The flavonoids are quercetin (typically found in apple, onion and red grape skins) and green tea catechins."

It continues in a highlighted box, "Antioxidants (also known as Free Radical Scavengers) help protect our bodies from cellular damage and are important in maintaining everyday health. Free radicals cause fatigue, slow muscle recovery after exercise, and also contribute to long-term health problems and premature aging."

Wow, this stuff must be the end all, be all. No longer do I have to eat a meal containing apples, onions or red grapes. If I want my antioxidants fast, I'm drinking this! Why waste time to sit and chew? Pop and slug it. I won't have to sit and talk to people!

Then you get to the fine print at the bottom of the can, "These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease."

Ah, now we get to the heart of the matter, this is Fen-Fen for the antioxidant crowd. The same people who probably blow a good chunk of change on facial lotion that protects from those nasty, "Free Radicals".

I think I just like to say "Free Radicals". It just sounds vicious. Protect your duodenum! Here come the Free Radicals! Quick drink this antioxidant drink! It will protect you!

So I made Mel drink one. After his first sip, his face looked as if he'd been sucking on a lemon for 3 hours. "NASTY!" He exclaimed, "What is this crap?"

"Protection from those Free Radicals," I responded.

"Well okay then," Mel finished the can in one long pull, "It's still gross."

I saved the "low calorie" can for myself. I wanted to drink it in the morning so if it had any adverse effects, I'd get it out of me before show time. The next day in Seattle, I pop the can and took a sip. It basically tasted like tart orange juice. I finished the can and proceeded to continue to work.

From what I could tell, the only real effects it had on me were, A) I was no longer hungry, and B) I now had rather pleasant orange juice breath.

I'll stick to eating apples, onions and red grapes.

...