Among other things, I miss my shower.

We've had a rash of bad showers on this leg of the tour. They really like their hockey up here in Canada, but they don't seem to be too big on taking care of the showers in the locker rooms. I'm assuming minor league players aren't interviewed as much as the NHLers, so they don't need to shower until they get back to their homes or hotel rooms. I'd take pictures of the situation, but I think it would cause some of you to go and hug your own shower and tub, and say, "Thank you, thank you for being clean."

The worst ones, and it's been three venues in a row, hence todays blog, are the push button ones. There's no hot or cold nob, no pressure adjust. Just a button in the wall that you press, and water comes out, hot or cold (it's always a gamble), from the sand blaster shower head above. Then it's a new guessing game as to how long the water will stay on before it turns itself off and you have to push the button again. I'm pretty convinced there's some sort of sensor that knows when it's the least opportune moment, which is when your eyes have shampoo in them.

The best one so far was last night, in locker room 3 at the Prospera Place arena in Kelowna, BC. Push button shower, with a mister for a shower head. There was no stream of water, just a cloud of tepid humidity. I swear I had to run around, arms spread wide just to catch some water to wet myself. Sucks.

Today, happily, we are in a real venue, GM Place, in Vancouver, home of the Canucks hockey franchise. I was here back in 1996 for it's grand opening. I was just a tech then. But you could tell, a lot of thought went into this place. And they have nice showers. Shower heads high on the wall for the old basketball team (moved to Memphis I think) Real hot and cold knobs and pressure adjust. I can't wait. Although We've only got one shower in the crew room. Better get in here quick tonight. Don't want to stand in line.

When I get home in two days, I'm going to kiss my wife, kiss my pets, kiss my bed and then kiss my shower.

Quick aside... I'm sitting in the crew room this morning because it's next to the production office where the wireless internet originates. Normally I can get signal at the lighting console, but there's too much brick and mortar today. One of the backline guys came in to shower when I started typing, and he's been in there the entire time. So far, 9 crew members have come in looking to use the toilet, to no avail. Next complaint, putting the crew room in a dressing room with only one bathroom...



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As long as we're talking about the GM Place and my first trip here for it's opening, I should regale you with one of my not so funny road stories.

It was 1996, I had just started working at Light and Sound Design a year earlier and had been on one tour. To fill in time during the off season, I was sent up to Vancouver as a tech for the grand opening of this building. Bryan Adams was the head line act, with a nice under card of Cirque du Soleil, famous figure skaters, and introductions of the NHL and NBA franchises that will call it home.

We had the lighting trusses flown and the Cirque riggers were starting to hang their flying gags while we were sussing out problems in our rig. We had a bad light on one of the trusses that was 75' off the deck. So I put on my climbing harness and got ready to go.

Now keep in mind, this is 1996 before people even thought about safety. There are no inertia wheels as safety for climbing up the ladder, no horizontal life lines on the trusses. The only reason I had put on my harness was because in order to fix the lights, you had to hang underneath the truss by your butt. I had only been on one tour, and those trusses only trimmed at 30'.

I've never been a lithe sort of gentlemen, but climbing 30' wasn't too hard. But this day, at about 65' up this wire ladder, my forearms cramped. I literally could not un-grip my hands from the rungs I was on. My forearms had cramped so tight, I was in visible pain.

One of the riggers for Cirque was watching me and could tell I was in trouble, he yelled at me to hang on he'd come help me down. He started to put on his harness and get ready to climb the ladder, when my forearms began to relax slightly. I was able to peel my hands off the rungs I was on, and hand under hand, climb back down the ladder by basically slapping my palm on the next rung and letting the cramps squish my fingers back around it.

I got back to the floor and had to sit there a moment while the cramps undid themselves. But the problem being, the broken light was still up there and the programmer was becoming impatient. As another evidence of how nice these darn Canucks are, the Cirque rigger offered to climb up to the truss and lower the light for me to replace.

The next day of load in, we had a similar problem, on a different truss trimmed at 75'. But this time, I was determined to get up there, and I did. Just barely avoiding cramps this time.

Not fun, and I'm damn glad all I do is sit behind a lighting console now. What is has done is given me an appreciation for what I, as a lighting designer, can do for a crew. I do my best not to make it difficult. Sometimes sacrificing the "cool" look for the economical, safe rig.

And that's all I have to say about that.


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Never Trust Summit Road.

Autumn is here. The trees in Prince George yesterday began to show their changing colours. I'm sure in a few weeks it will be unbelievable. And strangely, a two headed truck showed up at the gig.

Luckily, the trailer has a side door. But, man, it was hard to back that thing down the loading ramp.

Most amazing reception at the show last night. Even Mike Relm got a standing ovation!

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Day off today in Kelowna. I think I like this town. It's a little resort town next to a lake at the base of the west side of the Canadian Rockies. In the summer the hotels swell with vacationers using the lake for boating and swimming. In the winter, the hotels swell with vacationers using Kelowna as home base while skiing in the mountains.

Today however is the beginning of the "off-season". The summer vacationers have left, and the snow hasn't begun to fall here yet. Which makes for perfect bike riding weather.

I downloaded a map of the bike routes in Kelowna and there was one that went straight out the front door of the hotel. I wrote down all the streets I'd have to makes turns on, making a big loop through the city. The temperature was perfect, low 60's, so I walked out to the bus and built my bike and headed out. And of course, half way down the first street I was on... Closed for construction. So I made a quick detour, got a little lost in the industrial area of town, but eventually found my way to the next street on my list. Which also happed to be under construction. But at least this one had signs for a detour. Which I followed until I hit the next street.

I was about 2 miles down the road when, guess what, it was closed for construction! This one also had detour signs, but I thought I'd better try something else. A little while after a few twists and turns, I found a bike path along a street called Summit Road. I took the right turn, and followed it around a corner. And what did I find?

A hill, straight up. First clue should have been "Summit Road".

I shifted gears and slowly made my way. I wasn't going to give up now. It's gotta stop going up at some point. 5 mph, 180 bpm. My speed was down, my heart rate up. About a half mile later, it leveled off for a spell before heading up again. I was able to regain some speed, bring the heart rate down. and get back at the grind.

But the pay off at the top was worth it. The picture I took below with my phone (still strange to say) doesn't do it justice.The mountains in the background, the crystal clear, calm lake. I think there was a house for sale somewhere along the Summit Road.

The only thing that would have made this better was my wife with me...

Happy Birthday honey!

I have traveled to the holy place, and was a little disappointed.

Some people travel to Mecca.

Other people travel to the Jerusalem.

I, traveled to the West Edmonton Mall.

We had a day off yesterday in Edmonton. Where the largest indoor mall in the world exists. Anywhere that claims to be, "Alberta's number one tourist attraction", or even better, "The 8th Wonder of the world", I gotta check it out.

I've said in the past, what attracts touring personnel to malls is the fact that it's the one constant you can find on the road. Every city is different, every gig is different, but in every mall, you are sure to find a food court, an music store, a book store, a toy store and a Gap.

But this, this 8th wonder of the world, it has to be different. And it is, but not in a shopping sense. Don't get me wrong, this sucker is huge! It took me three hours to walk from one end to the other and back. This includes the standard stops at the food court, the music store, the book store, the toy store. But not The Gap, they don't make clothes for fat people. This mall is so big, it actually has a "bad part of town". Or at least that's what I called it. On one end of the mall there was a couple of tattoo and piercing parlors, a smoke shop sporting a large marijuana leaf, a paint ball course, bingo hall, a shooting range, and a store that sold fancy car rims (They spinnin!). But for the most part, the stores at the West Edmonton Mall (WEM for short) you can find in any mall, any where.

What sets this one apart is the entertainment.

There's an exact replica of the Santa Maria. Which is supposed to attach to the "Deep Sea Adventure" ride. Which looks a lot like the old submarine ride at Disneyland. But for some reason, it's closed at the moment. I think it's been closed for a while because one of the subs was covered with coins that people had thrown in the water. Now it looks like the Santa Maria can be rented out for private parties because on the main deck were tables covered with nice table cloths and the aft deck had chaffing dishes. I wonder if they were serving traditional sea voyaging foods.

There's even a sea lion pool and show called "Sea Lion Rock" (how original!). Unfortunately, the shows were at 2 and 4 PM so I missed them.

Halfway down the main drag is a full size ice rink. It's got the lines painted for ice hockey, but no safety glass around the rink. I'm going to assume they only have little kid games played there. There's also an amusement park called "Galaxyland". In it, are a couple of fun looking roller coasters that intertwined with each other. I personally did not ride either of them. I wanted to, but the fellow I was with was afraid of heights. Bummer.

There's also a large indoor water park with a massive wave pool. There were super tall slides that wound around and even one that seemed to plummet from 3 stories high. As you can see, there weren't many people having a day in the water. Perhaps because it was a Monday. Or perhaps because it was a nice day out.

Or perhaps because most of the entertainment at the WEM is designed for those long cold winter days. Similar to the Mall of America outside of Minneapolis/St. Paul, the bulk of the entertainment is geared toward families. I'm sure it gets pretty cold up here in the great north, and entertainment probably gets pretty scarce when there's a few feet of snow outside. Any chance to strip off the parkas and jump into a warm pool is probably very inviting around January or February. I hope I'm never up here to find out.

So all in all, I was a little disappointed with my trip to "shopping Mecca". I actually think I like the Mall of America better. It may not take up 42 city blocks, but it's 4 stories tall, which makes if feel bigger. If you look at the roller coaster picture above, you'll see where the ceiling is in the two story WEM. Feels a little claustrophobic.

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Today, we're in Grand Prairie, Alberta. Until I do a show in Alaska, this will be the furthest north I have ever traveled on the North American continent. Cold morning is turning into a nice day.

Tomorrow, over the Canadian Rockies and into Prince George. A little further south, and a little further west.

The Night the Lights Went Out in Lethbridge (Where?)

Bonus blog today! I've been writing a blog every other day, but last night and today are kind of big news (at least for me). The "Life on a Bus" blog will have to wait a few days.

Last nights show in Lethbridge was far from magical. After a rough start to the show (some key lights were mysteriously missing), we had to deal with less than efficient followspot operators. Definitely not the sharpest tools in the tool shed. Once Mel finally got them to understand that there are three blue men and each of them deserves a spot of their own, not all three on one guy, that's when the real fun began.

Mel didn't see it happen, but I did. Suddenly, all the lights over the stage went out. All that was left on were the audience lights. The battery back up for the console started beeping and the headset system went out so we had no communication to the followspot operators. I yelled at Mel (not in a bad way, the music was really loud), "Mel, the rig just shut down, we've got no headsets!" He bolted backstage to see what happened.

Here's a picture of what the stage looked like from the audience:Luckily, it was during a part of the show that was not heavily dependent on lighting. So we had some time to sort out what was happening.

For this show, we draw just over 600 amps on each of the three phases of power. Which means we draw a total of roughly 1800 amps to run the lighting equipment alone. . I know 1800 amps sounds like a lot, considering your standard household wall socket is only rated for 20 amps, but 1800 total amps is nothing. Think about the big rock shows of the 70's and 80's. Huge lighting rigs with 1000's of par cans. Those rigs drew easily 2400 amps per leg, 7,200 amps total! 1800 is nothing. Sound has their own power source, as does video.

In Lethbridge, we were on two separate 400 amp power services. One of them was locked in a small brick room with no vents. Hence, it heated up and the breaker blew. And it blew hard. So hard, it basically tack welded it self in the off position. People ran to grab fans to cool it off enough to re-throw the breaker. Peanut (our power/dimmer guy) scrambled to patch all 600 amps of equipment into the one 400 amp service we had left.

Thankfully, video was not affected, so I was able to continue to run video cues until we were back online. Which also came at the right time. I was able to re-strike the bulbs on most of the rig, just in time for the first of a series of big "rock" numbers.

Which also caused Peanut a bit of panic. How do we run 600 amps of power on a 400 amp service? Simple turn off half of the rig. I had the crew switch off every other light in the rig to make sure we didn't over draw. And then I ran the strobe lights (which spike amperage when they fire) at 50 percent to make sure we didn't spike above 400. Peanut kept an amp meter attached to the power and gave us a constant report of what we were drawing so I would know when to pull back.

We limped through the rest of the show with half the lights, but the audience was none the wiser. They still laughed and clapped.

The joy of doing live performances.

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Today is a special day as well. I am currently sitting on the ice at the Rexall center.

I look up to see some important banners:

You're in Oil Country, baby!

Home of the National Hockey League Edmonton Oilers. This is the team that put hockey on the map in my little childhood brain.

Which helps answer another one of those questions, "How does a boy from Hawai'i, where there is no ice, love a winter sport like hockey?"

I think I was predisposed to liking hockey, it must be in my genes. My dad is from Minnesota, as close to hockey central you can get south of the Canadian border. I remember he used to take pictures for his college news paper of the schools hockey games, so he too, enjoyed the sport. Back in the late 70's and early 80's. the USA television network used to carry all of the New York Rangers games and my dad and I would watch.

But that's not when I fell in love with the sport. That came during the dynasty years of the Edmonton Oilers, when Wayne Gretzky and company ruled the ice in this house.

It was the spring of 1984 when I watched with bated breath, the Edmonton Oilers hoist the Stanley Cup for the first time. From there, I was hooked. I followed them all the way until 1992, when a young and really bad team played their first season with the NHL, the Ottawa Senators.

Today, hangs the great reminders of those years gone by. The banners in the picture above touting the franchises achievements over the years, including the dynasty of the 80's. Above the stage hangs the retired numbers of the greats of that time:
Mark Messier, Paul Coffey, Grant Fuhr, Jari Kurri, Wayne Gretzky, All members of the Oilers dynasty. All important names to the sport of hockey.

But for me, no one more important the #31, Grant Fuhr. Grant was the goalie for dynasty. He was magic on the ice and amazing to watch. Before Felix Potvin ushered in the "butterfly" style of goaltending, Grant Fuhr was the king of the acrobatic flop. He wasn't pretty, and you just couldn't figure out how he kept the puck out of the net. He didn't have the lowest goals against average, or the most wins, or a ton of shut outs. But he did have Wayne "The Great One" Gretzky say (and I'm paraphrasing here) "There is no other goalie I would want in net going into the third period with a one goal lead." That's confidence in your goalie. And the dynasty had to have that. They were an offense first team. Even their defensive players were scorers (Paul Coffey).

In 1990, we found out why Grant Fuhr was so good. He was abusing cocaine!! He was suspended from hockey for 4 months before rejoining the league. For a while, he never played the same. But in 1995-1996 hockey season, he returned with a vengeance playing 79 games of an 82 game season for the St. Louis Blues. A record that still holds today.

He retired in 2000, the first black player to make a dent in the NHL. And in 2003 was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame in Toronto.

Now you know why my jersey number and bag tags are always "31". And why my email address is dboland31. To honor the great coke head, Grant Fuhr. Anyone who can play great while high (although officially, he was never high while playing), then go to rehab and still play great, rocks.


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Tomorrow I travel to Mecca.

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It's a Slumber Party!

Aside from a little extra blue paint on my console (damn men in blue), Calgary's second show went off without a hitch. Good crowd, lots of cheering. One day we may play the real venue there...

The debate we leave Calgary with is, how do you pronounce it? Everyone says "Cal-guh-ree". But we kept hearing the locals say, "Cal-gar-ree". Guess you have to go with what the locals say. Although they still cheered when Mike Relm (opening act) said, "How's it going 'Cal-guh-ree'!" Not that I expected someone to rush up on stage and correct him.

And speaking of opening acts, if you haven't seen or heard of Mike Relm, check out his website, or look him up on YouTube. He's a really great DJ who scratches video as well as music. Really gets the crowd up and jumping. Buy his album if you can, it's great workout or driving music.

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We had a slumber party on our bus last night. At about 2:30AM I was awoken by our PM wanting me to move my stuff out of our junk bunk. The next blog will probably be about life on a bus, which will explain what a junk bunk is (although the name should give it away). So I grabbed my computer and shower bags and threw them in the back lounge. Why? Because the third crew bus, which carries the backline and video people broke down so we had to make room on the other two buses for the 9 folks. All said and done, we had 14 people strewn out on our bus for the 3 hour drive to Lethbridge (where?). I'm guessing the black water tank on the bus is full again.

So we're loading into the Enmax Centre in Lethbridge Alberta (where?) as we speak. It's a big enough city to support a minor league hockey team. The building operations manager told me this morning that they were sold out and had 700 standing room only tickets sold for the hockey game last night. Which is more tickets than we sold for this show. Not that the ticket sales for the show is bad, but these Canucks like themselves some hockey.

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Tomorrow is the Autumnal Equinox, so be prepared. For what I don't know... But it's in our itinerary so I thought I'd spread the good news.

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And finally, no blog is complete without pictures. These shots are brought to you by the artistic eye of Mrs. NFB (my wife).


It's always nice to know that while I'm out on tour, Nicole has a security detail keeping an eye out on the riff raff in the neighborhood. And when I say riff raff, I mean the worst kind... Squirrels, raccoons, skunks, coyotes, and the worst kind of riff raff, birds.

After a long night of being on watch, It's time for a bath. Unfortunately, this bath comes courtesy of the dogs tongue. But at least they get along now.

As for Ipo, she's just a little fraidy cat. If you dropped a feather on the ground, the sound would startle her and she'd bolt to the bedroom and hide under the bed until the "all clear" was sounded. So no new pictures of our pretty "heavenly sweetheart".

And finally, evidence that Nicole and I should start making babies.

The dog has clothes.

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See the nice gig? We're next door.

They say there are two seasons in Canada, winter and July. We got a taste of winter yesterday with a bit of snowfall in the morning. Not enough to stick, but enough to make the road wet and gritty. Good for a bike ride. Makes me look like I just rode Paris-Roubaix.
I did get in a ride yesterday. Turns out there's a nice bike trail following the river. Bow River Bike Path, I believe was the official name. Didn't change the fact that it was really cold. I like riding in the cold, but I didn't come very well prepared for it this time out. Should have brought the wind proof vest. I did invest yesterday in a pair of wind proof gloves. But they were a little small so I'm exchanging them tomorrow for a larger pair.That was my big day off. Except for drafting my fantasy hockey team, nothing much else happened.

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As for today... Got up, went to the bus to head over to the venue for load in. Turns out the bus isn't there, the driver had to take off and dump the black water tank because there was a party on our bus last night. Thank god I was sleeping.

I was looking out the window from the back lounge watching the Calgary Saddledome rise on the horizon. The Saddledome is one of the good'ol buildings on the touring circuit. I personally have never played in there and was exited to be where the Calgary Flames team plays.

Turns out were not in there. See the nice gig? Where next door in the smaller arena where they hold the cow auctions.

Lots of flies in western Canada.

Economic parity, and those darn nice Canucks.

One day late on the blog today. The internet at the hotel worked fine until everyone got on it. 9 story building, 16 rooms per floor, one internet line. Not good math.

Speaking of math, and economics for that matter, the Canadian dollar is on track to become even with the U.S. dollar. Some economists up here are predicting it may even surpass the U.S. dollar. Which has both positive and negative affects.

For me, it's all negative affects. Way back when, when I first started touring, it was about 60 cents to the U.S. dollar. Which was great for shopping. You could get items here that you can't get in the state for cheaper. Most notably would be Levi's Jeans. Not that I ever wore Levi's, always found them too tight, but Levi's for sale in the U.S. are made overseas, while Levi's in Canada are made in the U.S.. Go figure. So a pair of U.S. made Levi's in the U.S. averaged $100 dollars, while in Canada the same U.S. made jeans were $80 Canadian. Big savings.

Now, with parity around the corner, it's not worth shopping or buying anything in Canada. The prices of goods are still inflated to meet or get close to the cost of goods in the states a few years ago, while the U.S. dollar continues to plummet. As an example. I went looking for a cheap digital camera yesterday so I can take with me when I go for a bike ride. The cheapest camera I could find was still $119.oo Canadian. Which, back in the old days would have panned out to less than $100 U.S.. Now, since the dollars are almost even, the camera is cheaper in the U.S., because there, it still lists for less than 100 U.S..

Another good example would be magazines. I went and got fantasy hockey magazines in Winnipeg to study up. I checked the prices, $5.95 was the average price. But when I got to the counter, the total bill for 5 magazines was $51.00! My mistake, $5.95 was the average U.S. dollar price, $9.95 was the Canadian dollar average.

Really cutting into my day off shopping time.

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We stayed at the Black Knight Inn here in Red Deer last night. 10 hour drive from Saskatoon the night before putting us at the hotel around 10AM. When I got to my room I was greeted by this very nice gift plate. You can see they actually took time to print the Blue Man Group logo on the plate itself! Sadly, though I didn't get to drink the water or eat the cereal bar or apple. I had planned to have it for breakfast this morning before I got on the bus, but I set my alarm clock wrong and was lucky to get up and get on the bus!

On this tour, with our keys and rooming list, they've included a questionnaire of sorts for the hotel to answer. Basic, but useful things like, nearest shopping mall, laundromat, 24 hour restaurant, movie theaters, etc. Most hotels just fill the answers out in the blank spaces next to the questions. Not the folks at the Black Knight Inn. No, these people printed out Google map directions to everything. The key packet was so thick with paper, people who normally open the packet and grab their key were forced to open the included novel.And the topper of all toppers... The travel size toiletries in the bathroom, nothing special really. Not fancy Aveda or Gilbert and Soames. But... is that... lip balm in the middle?
Those darn nice Canucks.

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Last thing to note, is I got in a bike ride yesterday. I had looked on line a few days before and there's about 150 kilometers of bike trail in Red Deer. I even found a nice ride someone had mapped out. I saved the page, and was going to write down the directions yesterday before I headed out. But alas, the interweb was slower than molasses if it connected at all, and it was just easier to get on the bike and ride.

I headed out and found a nice country highway with a large shoulder. A similarity I noticed with Red Deer and Grand Forks, lots of big trucks. I swear I was passed by the same truck 14 times while I rode.

I also realized, I'm fat. I headed out into the rolling hills outside of town and watched my heart rate slowly quickly rise to 180 bpm, while my speed slowed down to 8 mph on the climbs. 10 miles out was time to turn around which also showed the reverse on the computers. 154 bpm and 32 mph. I think I liked going up better because it was around the mid 40's Fahrenheit, which is a little nippy when your speeding downhill into the wind.

Day off tomorrow in Calgary with the all important fantasy hockey draft in the evening...

Blog changes and bus rides...

You've probably noticed I moved the map of "Where in the World is Carmen Dan Diego" to the top of the page. It's more for my convenience than anything else. Seeing as I'm on the road again and changing the map daily to show my latest position on the globe, I got tired of scrolling past my old blogs to look at it to make sure it was right. That, and I hope it give perspective as to some of the places I go.

Yesterday's show in Winnipeg went off with out too much of a hiccup. The new Blue Man Tech (the fellow who deals with the electrical props) forgot to put out some props and some of their other gags failed to materialize. But the worst was when the bassist started a song a 16 count off from the video, and lyrics were on the video screens seconds before they were sung. The worst part is they always blame the console and operator (me) for the mistakes. I can't change the video, so if he starts late, he starts late!

Today, it's Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. There a name straight from a Doctor Suess book. "I was riding my red frumpy balloon with Billabaloo to Saskatoon." Or something like that.

Needless to say it's really flat here too. We're just east of the Canadian Rockies and spend a few more days on the flats before crossing the mountains to the west coast. And last night was my first night back in the old bunk. I bought a new pillow because Nicole saw an Oprah special about all sort of critters that live in pillows. So a pillow used by 1000 roadies was not an appealing thought to her (or me for that matter), so I blew $14.95 on a Target brand pillow designed for side and stomach sleepers.

Even with a new pillow, sleeping in a bunk on a moving bus takes getting used to, even after 12 years of touring, and especially after nearly 4 months of sleeping in my own bed (which apparently is full of cooties too). It wasn't the best sleep I've ever had, but it's always nice when a moving bus rocks you to sleep. I did have the paranoid, bus crash dreams which weren't helped by the half full water bottle in my bunk that kept making crunching noises when ever a I rolled over.

But we got here with plenty of time for load inHere's the first truck cracked and the cases coming out. Not the most exciting picture, but it's better than a camera trapped on a bus at the border.

And speaking of which, here's the final saga of what happened to the "bad boys" at the border.

Canadian customs gave them a letter to give to U.S. customs saying why they weren't let in the country, and then turned the bus around and sent them back across the border. When they got to the U.S. customs building, they were questioned as to why they weren't allowed into Canada then forced off the bus and the bus was searched top to bottom. Common sense replaced with paranoia. Once through, they had to sit in the U.S. until 7:30AM when Canadian immigration officials ("Adults" as I called them last blog) showed up to screen the bad boys.

7:30 they rolled up to immigration, the officers took a look the paperwork and more or less said, "Why did they stop you, you're all clear." So by 9:00AM my camera and bike were at the hotel. Of course I was asleep and the bus couldn't park at the hotel. So I had a steak dinner instead of a ride. Thank you Mel!

As for why the other two fellows were stopped (besides our motorcycle crashing rigger), one had a DUI which was thrown out of court. He even had paperwork from the Canadian Embassy in NYC that said he was fine to come in.

The other fellow has a better story. Back in the early 70's when he was a teenager in Montana, his parents set up a "sting" operation with the local sheriff (who was a family friend) to "Teach our son a lesson." They had a deputy pose as a drug dealer and sold 4 ounces of marijuana to him. Had him promptly arrested, put in jail for a night, and then had a judge throw the case out later because it was "entrapment". This was the early 70's mind you. Here we are 2007, almost 40 years later, and that little case still shows up on his FBI record.

Thanks mom and dad, I really learned a lesson. Canadians hate drunk drivers, frauds, and drug users caught in a sting, set up by their parents.

Another stellar border crossing.

I've got no pictures for todays blog. And here's why.

Last night we crossed the border from North Dakota into Canada. I remember back in the good old days, getting into Canada was no problem. Often, the bus driver would go in with all the passports and passenger list show it to customs and off we'd go. Sometimes they'd wake you up and have you sit in the front lounge so they could match passports to faces.

Times have changed. Now we all have to get up, go inside the customs building with our passports and answer basic questions, "When was the last time you were in Canada?" " How long will you be here?" "What do you do with the tour?" "Nice pants, are they Dockers?"

Now everyone who has any kind of record, gets flagged and pulled aside. Every country hates a criminal, but Canada also doesn't like drunk drivers and frauds. And on this border crossing, three of our crew members were flagged. The only one I knew about for sure, was our carpenter/rigger. Over the summer he got in a motorcycle accident. If I remember the story correctly, he was taking an on ramp curve a little to quickly and hit some loose gravel and the bike shot out from under him. He was okay, a little concussed, but the police gave him a ticket for reckless driving. Which in Canada, becomes equivalent to a DUI. The other two, who knows. Probably a ticket for jay walking.

While I was standing at the desk, waiting to answer the questions the nice man in the bullet proof vest was about to ask, the other two nice men in bullet proof vests were conversing about what to do with the flagged criminals. I didn't catch the entire conversation (for some reason, they were whispering) but the gist of it was, there is no "adult" on duty at 3AM on a Thursday, so the criminals and one bus would have to sit at the border until the morning and an "adult" shows up to make a decision.

Guess which bus had to stay back... Production Bus #1, my bus. "Bottom line," our PM started, "Everyone on Production Bus #1 grab your stuff and move to another bus. Our bus is going to stay at the border until this is cleared up and the rest of us will go to the hotel."

Sucks to be a law abiding citizen. Now I have to take what I can fit into someone else's bus luggage bay, and then sit upright in the front lounge for 2 hours while we drive to Winnipeg. So what can't I fit into the luggage bay of someone else's bus? My bike. So much for my day off plans in Winnipeg.

I also didn't grab my camera. In an attempt to get out of our bus and get rolling I grabbed just my shower bag, and computer. And a jacket, who would have thought it would be cold in Canada?

I guess you can tell, I'm a little bitter. I don't want to place blame on anyone, I don't know the story for the other two flagged crew members. I shouldn't be point fingers at Canada's immigration policies. But dammit, I wanted to ride today. Now I have no idea when our bus will get here. Much less my bike. Guess I'll go shopping today.

Border crossings are a part of touring life. And at the same time, the touring life can be an attraction to the less savory characters of society. Sex, drugs, rock and roll, etc. etc... So I guess these "stellar" border crossings will continue to happen.

...

The saying, "Another stellar border crossing" was coined by the production manager I was out with on Alicia Keys. We were doing a European tour back then and there are lots of borders around there. And for some reason, we always showed up at the customs desks, drunk.

The crown jewel of border crossings that tour happened when we were going from Belgium to England via the channel ferry. The PM (who will remain nameless, but he knows who he is), had just joined the tour after the first PM quit. It was only his second show with us, but he soon learned this crew likes to tip back the drinking glasses. So all the way from Belgium to the ferry in France, it was beer and wine all around.

For those who have never been on the ferry boats in Europe, you drive your car or bus onto one of the lower parking decks, and then are required to go upstairs to the lounges to have a seat. But it's not like a plane where there's rows of seats with overhead storage. Nope, it's like a little floating shopping mall. There's a couple of stores, and restaurants, and most even have bars. Some even have movie theaters and dance clubs. There's lots of comfortable seating, and some even have cabins you can rent if the journey is long.

The trip from France to England is, I think, around two to three hours. Seeing as we were all already tipsy, we all just went to the bar and continued what we had started. By the time were arrived in Dover, half the crew couldn't see straight, people were helping others down the stairs to the bus while others (like myself), just couldn't stop laughing.

After the bus left the ferry, we pulled over to the customs house to stand in line. Our bus was first and I was near the door so I was one of the first ones off and first ones through. I stood on the other side watching the carnage. It was embarrassing, but so damn funny! Our PM was standing there answering questions ("Nice pants, are they Dockers?") when the customs official asked if she could have Alicia Key's autograph. So the PM turned to Alicia, who was in line and called out in a slurred voice, "Hey Alicia, come over here and sign something for this nice lady would ya?" People were carrying each other up to the customs desks. And for some reason, one of the backline guys just fell over like a sack of wheat while standing in line. He didn't answer any questions. But for some reason, they still let us all into the country.

Another stellar border crossing.

The Siiiiiimpsooooooons...

If there's one thing that Grand Forks North Dakota has, it's perfect Simpsons clouds. They were better this morning while I was riding. But I didn't bring my camera with me.I noticed today on my ride that Grand Forks is Springfield, home of the Simpsons. In addition to the perfect Simpson clouds, they have the perfect square blocks. All avenues numbered east to west. All streets numbered north to south. So I rode south on 42nd Street to 11th Avenue east, to 34th Street south to 17th Avenue east, until I hit the river. Then I followed the bike path.

All lawns were the perfect green, all picket fences, white. Even the galvanized steel fences looked washed and polished. All cars are big SUVs or even bigger trucks. Only saw one Toyota Tundra.

I was in middle America. I saw a house for sale "price reduced". Wanted to stop and see how much. I'm sure in the mid to low 100,000's. Can't get that in L.A. unless you are buying a tent, on a corner lot of dirt. Nicole and I could live well here. But we would be living in Grand Forks.

It's beautiful now, but what's it like in the winter? Got's ta be cold cold cold. We're north of the Twin Cities of Minnesota. And according to the Travel Channel, them's the coldest metropolitan in North America.

I won't be here to find out if it's cold. I'll be further north in Canuckland in two days. At least it was a pretty ride.

And now for the cycling report brought to you by GU. Aloha.Riding conditions in Grand Forks, ND, 11 September, 2007:

Temperature: 47 degrees F
Wind: 28 MPH gusts N-NW, Sustained 10 to 15 MPH
Road conditions: Clean with chance of passing street sweeper and being passed by really big trucks and SUVs

It was cold on the ride this morning. Had on the arm and knee warmers. Should have had the booties and full fingered gloves. By the end of the 16 miles, I had frozen toes and fingers. A long cry from 110 degrees F in Altadena.

I went 8 miles up the Greenway bike path, and turned around. At the turn around point I had the above energy gel, GU, to help bring me home with some energy.

I've seen this product in bike shops and REI for years now, but never tried it until recently. I bought some for this trip, and had one on a ride back at home in California, just to try it out. After ripping open the packet and squeezing the gel into my mouth, I remembered the last time I had a GU.

It wasn't a long ride I did, only 9 miles. It was too hot in Altadena to ride for very long, so I squeezed the GU into my mouth before leaving the house, thinking it would kick in when I started riding. I didn't think the GU did anything. Until Nicole and I went to dinner about half and hour after my ride.

Nicole noticed something was wrong. I was fidgeting and couldn't sit still. It was like I was hopped up on cocaine. That's when it hit me... Now the GU is working...

Today, as I was tearing open the packet, I had noticed in very fine print, but all capitals, "CONTAINS CAFFEINE". After I swallowed then I remembered. I've not had caffeine in my system for over a month now, since I stopped drinking soda. What will happen to me?!!?!!

Turns out, nothing. I was cold and frozen by the time I reached the hotel, and went to my room to lay down and fell asleep without incident. Maybe shivering worked out the caffeine...

Please don't say it...

Not much happening here in Grand Forks. Not horribly late nights, only one song to cue which we did last night. Show is running almost like clock work. Perhaps a clock missing it's second hand, but a clock none the less.

Benny, who's working on the programming with me, went to dinner early today, so I asked him what was on tap.
"A weird Asian beef thing, which didn't look good, so I had the fish, because Josh recommended it."

"Ugh, I replied, I don't eat fish," There was dead silence while Benny gave me the deer in the headlights look,

"Please don't say it..."

Then, he said it...

"For a guy born and raised on an island, how can you not like fish?"
Let me say it now, pass this blog on to everyone you know... I do not eat fish. Most any seafood for that matter. I can eat tuna from a can (if doused in something like mustard or mayo), I can have abalone soup from Kin Wah in Kaneohe, but salmon, Chilean sea bass, shrimp, lobster, crab, shark, anything in salt water swimming around. No thank you.

I think I pin pointed the two things that put me over the edge, because I remember as a child eating fried fish my mom made.

The first episode happened in elementary school, in second grade. We had just moved from our house on Makalani to Uhilehua. I had attended kindergarten and first grade at Puohala elementary, and changed districts and now had to attended Kapunahala elementary school. One day, for lunch they had fish sandwiches, which I had never had before. So, of course, I stood in the cafeteria line, got my sectioned of tray and the nice lady put a fish sandwich, green beans, a roll, and some Jello squares on my tray. I sat down at the long lunch table with the rest of my class, ate some beans, bit the roll and washed it all back with a big swig of milk. I grabbed the fish sandwich and took a huge bite.

Next thing I know, the plate is covered with half chewed beans, a bite of roll and a big swig of milk, along with a
huge bite of fish sandwich. A life altering moment in 2nd grade, not to mention the sandwich didn't taste anything like my mom's fried fish.

The second life altering moment happened years later. I was on the swim team at the time, and we practiced every night from 5 until 7 PM. My mother worked nights at the time, so she'd make dinner and go to bed while we were swimming and my dad would pick us up. Dinner was often warm on the stove when we got home, and we'd serve ourselves. My mother had a favorite pot that she would often make stew or chili in. This night, when we walked in from swim practice, there was the pot warming on the stove. My mouth watered in anticipation of the wonderful smells of beef stew or the tickling spices of my moms chili. I rushed over and whipped open the lid and stuck my nose in.

If you've ever seen "Raiders of the Lost Ark", one of the final scenes where the evil French archeologist, Nazi interrogator and General melt and/or explode when looking into the now opened Ark of the Covenant. Well, that's what happened to me. For the stew and chili pot did not have the wonderful of beef stew or tickling chili, it was full of warm briny squid.

I was choking on the smell, and probably for the first time in my life, happy to go to bed without dinner.

Nope, seafood and I haven't gotten along for many years. They say that your taste buds change every 5 years or so. And I have come around to spinach recently. So maybe, something will change. I've tried things every few years to see if its changed, crab cakes, seared ahi. But so far, nope.

I'd rather snorkel with the fishes and enjoy their beauty and fluidity.

Console Gods?

Here we are, start of the tour. We're in Grand Forks, North Dakota. It's really flat. Our 12 story hotel is the big bump in the landscape.

I think I've been here before. Tori played a show at UND (Univeristy of North Dakota). They're know for their hockey program and flight school I think. I'll ask a local if one comes by.

But as it turns out, this is a college town. And when I say college town, I mean, the town only exists when school is in session. I don't know that it's true, but someone said last night that there's 18,000 residents in Grand Forks. 15,000 of which are students at the college. This place must suck in the summer.

But I'm not here to talk about Grand Forks. I can't rightly say I know this town seeing as all I've seen is the airport and the hotel. The venue is part of the hotel so I've not stepped outside in about 24 hours now. Not to worry, it's been raining and 50 degrees. Best stay indoors for now.

I'm here to tell you about my console gods, and what Benny calls my "creature comforts".

I've been touring since 1995, when Light and Sound Design sent me out with Primus (first tour!). Aside from this past summer, I've not stopped. I've been through all the different phases, from minimalist roadie; Where you carry only what you can fit in one suitcase and wear the same shirt for a few days in a row; (Until I did Luther Vandross in 1997, where the rehearsals were in Secaucus, NJ in January, where it was -8 degrees. Then I had to bring more clothes and the 2nd suitcase) To my current state of two work boxes full of "creature comforts".

I have a chair, I have cushioned flooring, a large drinking cup (16oz. Solo cups are rare in arena catering), work shoes I never bring home, and so on and so forth. But what I love the most are my console gods.


It stated with Barrel Man. A gift from my brother. He's the fellow standing center in the above picture. Barrel man is a standard kitsch tacky gift from tourist traps in Hawai'i. Matt found this fellow in the Bahamas. Which goes to prove, only Tiki statutes are the true tacky gift from Hawai'i. Then Nicole purchased Laughing Buddha to bring luck to our wedding. He did a great job, and every show I don't rub his belly for, is usually a bad show.

The newest addition has yet to be named. He comes from Chile, a gift from my crew chief Mel. He's a great addition and will probably be a great friend with Barrel Man... And here's why...

Maybe I should name him Pee Pee. Hee hee!

Vacations over, let's eat steak.

Here it is, the eve of my departure. I'm off again on tour with the Blue Man Group. My flight is 1st thing in the morning on Northworst airlines to... Exciting Grand Forks, North Dakota. I'm out until the 2nd week of December, with a couple of 4 day breaks interspersed.

Summer vacation has ended. Well, it really ended on the 31st of August. That's when my month pass for lap swimming at Loma Alta pool ran out. Since then, I've been sitting at home trying to get to level 20 on my video game. I'm probably not going to be playing it for at least a month. I'll be back for 4 days at the start of October. I'm sure Nicole would rather us hang out than me sit in front of the TV. If the itch is terrible, I'll break the piggy bank and buy a flight case for the Xbox360.

As is tradition with Nicole and I, we go out to a really fancy dinner before I leave. Last night we made a stop at Ruth's Chris Steak House, a favorite. They just opened one in Pasadena so we had to take a look.

It's quite a nice one really. If anyone has ever been to a fancy steak joint you're probably very familiar with the standard decor. Dark wood, dark lighting, few windows, if any, and lots of fancy leather seats. The Pasadena Ruth's Chris is different. It's got huge windows that look out onto the street, and across at DSW Shoe Warehouse. So for certain people, it's probably quite a view. There is still the dark wood and dark lighting, either for a romantic evening, or to hide the fact that there are famous people there, or not. Keep the paparazzi guessing.

It was going to be an all out evening so we started with martini's. Nicole ordered the lemon drop martini and I had the house black cherry. It kinda looks like we reversed the drink order, Nicole should have gotten the girly pink drink and I should have had the thing with stuff on the rim. But I promise you, I drank it with my pinky out. I am a dainty flower.You'll have to forgive the quality of the photo, it was a spur of the moment thing taken with my phone. And only in the 21st century can we say, "Hey let me get a picture of that with my phone." One day we'll be able to say, "I'll call you on my camera."

A normal meal at Ruth's Chris for us would be, Dan has the tomato and onion salad with blue cheese crumbles and the biggest steak one man can eat, while Nicole would have the lobster bisque, and the smallest steak they can serve without snickering. With my sudden change in diet, we thought we try something different. So I had the arugula salad (the rest of the world calls it roquet or rocket), which was my bid at being healthy, and Nicole had the lobster bisque, which, quite frankly is where should could have stopped until dessert. For her, the main course is just the break time between lobster bisque and dessert. For the main course, Nicole ordered the fish special, Chilean sea bass with curry banana butter, and I had the special meat... A large honking New York strip of Australian raised kobe beef. Not so health conscious on that bit, but I've been really good for a month eating only cheerios for breakfast and staying away from bacon, salad or sandwich for lunch and then something from the weight watchers cookbooks for dinner. I can splurge once right?That plate is 1 and a half feet in diameter, it took two waiters to carry it out to the table, and they can only get two cuts of this steak per cow. Just kidding, but that was a big piece of meat.

And expensive too. I'm not going to tell you the price, but I did keep telling Nicole I was going to ask for a refund of 15 to 20 dollars for all the fat and gristle I had to cut off. That's not to say it wasn't good. If there's one thing I've learned in my 37 years of life, I'm not a vegetarian. I like meat. And this was a fine cut. Not the best kobe I've ever had, that honor goes to a restaurant in New York City that Nicole and I ate at. But this steak was up there in the ranks.

But with this diet came the new ability to not eat really rich foods. Back in the good old days of "health naive" Dan, I could have polished this steak off and licked all the butter off the plate. This time, I had about 2/3rds and couldn't eat the last bit. I choked it down because dammit, thats at least 20 dollars worth of meat I'm not eating! Nicole couldn't finish her fish either. The fish was good, but something has happened to us.

We collapsed backwards in our chairs, not wanting dessert, which is unusual to say the least. But the waiter convinced us no meal is complete, so we ordered the apple crumble tart and proceeded to slap that on my love handles. Luckily the waiter bought us our dessert as a good bye present for me, which was nice.

...

12 hours left for me at home. I've been really moody for the last week. I don't want to go. This has been a good summer. But I have to get back to baking the bread and winning the bacon. And the money and client are too good to leave hanging. I'll miss my cats, and my dog. But most of all, I'll miss my wife. That's the hardest part. When we first got the dog, I teased her that we should name it, "Great Reluctance" so that when ever I go on tour, I can say, "I left my wife with Great Reluctance". It's an old joke from the Peanuts comic strip, it that sounded familiar.

A last request for anyone in California, please call my wife every now and again and get her out of the house. The TiVo has a great draw when I'm not home. And she needs to scout out other restaurants so the next time I leave, we go somewhere other than Ruth's Chris.

And for those of you not in L.A.. Call her anyway. I want to make sure she's fine.

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my! Well, not Tigers.

This evening while walking the dog, I pointed out a flier that was posted on a light pole. It stated that in the early morning hours of 27 August, a mountain lion came down into a neighboring community (La Canada), scaled a 5 foot fence and killed a large dog. There was also a report of a mountain lion making off with domestic cats in Altadena around the same time. A while back Nicole and I were awakened one morning by helicopters circling our neighborhood. Turns out a mountain lion was napping under a tree not two blocks from our house and a block away from the local elementary school.

Most every night now, we can hear the coyotes howling and barking in a pack at the trail head across the street.

That's why I like hiking in Hawai'i, very few, if any, animals that will eat you. I'm not really afraid of mountain lions, or coyotes or bears, well maybe bears. But I know why they come into the neighborhoods. It's for the easy meal. Whether it's an un-lidded overflowing trash can, or a pet in the yard. It's gotta be easier than chasing rabbits.

So we keep Pekona in the house. The cats have never been outside. Except for Kolohe who burst through one of our window screens to attack another cat outside. Don't mess with the true bull.

We actually learned something about our neighborhood while at the museum yesterday. The vegetation that is around our house and up the mountain side is called, chaparral. And the chaparral gets really dry in the summer and, believe it or not, needs to burn. There are plants and seeds that can only grow after the land and chaparral has burned. Nature is pretty cool. Although it would be devastating for the neighborhood, it might be good for the plants.

But I like living here. I like being this far up and that much further away from the city. So I'll deal with the possibility of mountain lions in my backyard and coyotes across the street. Now if there were tigers, well...

You can probably tell the pictures have nothing to do with this blog. But a blog with no pictures? Bonus points if anyone can tell me where all the pictures were taken. Including this one.

Although this picture almost relates to the blog.

Let's celebrate work, by taking a day off, and seeing an Imax movie

Our labor day weekend has come to an end, Nicole and I finally got out of the house. We went to an Imax movie and poked around the Natural History Museum of L.A. County. It's really been too damn hot to do much of anything (110 degrees again today at our house). Now granted, we did go to the Fernanikers house for a barbecue yesterday, but that was planned.

No, the movie and museum were more or less spur of the moment. I saw the trailer for the movie somewhere, and seeing as I like cycling, thought 7 stories of movie screen about it wouldn't be a bad thing. So when the A/C in the house was finally starting to loose the battle of keeping it cool, we hopped in Big Bluey and jaunted down to Exposition park.

And now for the reviews...

The Imax movie, Wired to Win, made me cry, like a little baby. Geez, I've been crying and screaming a lot lately. At least at the beginning of the movie, I was crying. 7 stories of screen, showing the toughest men, climbing the toughest mountains, is pretty breath taking, if not down right tear jerking.
Okay, a still picture doesn't do it justice. But I do think, that it was almost as good as standing on the Col (that's French for mountain pass), if not better, fewer crazy fans to deal with whilst seated in a movie theater.

This movie started out impressive, then, something went wrong. Not a bad wrong, but it took a bit of adjustment in thinking to really get into the movie. This movie was about the brain, and nervous system and how it interacts with the body, set to the background of the Tour de France.

There was some neat shots of the tour, and some pretty creative CGI of the brain and what not. But for my cycling friends, watch the first couple of minutes, take in the magic of the Tour de France, and then get ready to be educated about the brain.

I guess our first hint should have been the fact that it was playing at the Imax theater at the Science Center.

The real review will have to be about the food. Like any other theater, the Imax theater has a concession stand. We felt obligated to get some snacky snacks. Nicole, always has a pang for a pretzel with a movie, so we got her one of those and a cherry coke. I went out on a limb and thought with this heat, a frozen lemonade would do the trick. All that, for only $8.50? Nicole and I thought we were getting a bargain! Last time we went to the movie and got snacky snacks it was $12.50! And that was just water and popcorn!

Thumbs down, is what Ebert and Roper give the snacky snacks, and so did we. The pretzel was either stale or not warmed up properly. I give them 2 stars because it's possible, seeing as the movie was the second showing of the day at 11:30 AM, that they hadn't had time to heat up the pretzel machine. And the cherry coke was more like cherry nope.

As for my frozen lemonade... Bad choice for a 40 minute movie. It was still to solid to use the plastic spoon when the movie started, pretty hard to see what you were eating while the theater is dark, not to mention a noisy. And when the movie finished, I had a cup of cool lemonade foam. Not the lemonades fault, I was the idiot who ordered it.

After the movie, Nicole and I thought as long as we were in the area, we may as well have a look at the Natural History Museum of L.A. County. It's in the same complex and a short 100 yard walk to the entrance from the Science Center. We'd never been, Dan likes museums, Nicole needs coffee, they have a cafe. We're there.

After paying our entry fee and feeding my wife caffeine, we started poking around this three level museum. And now for the review...

I think this museum is right on par for anything of culture I've seen (so far) in L.A.. It's not bad, but it's also not the best. The Field Museum in Chicago is great, so is the Natural History Museum in New York. And there isn't enough positive things one can say about the Smithsonian. The L.A. Zoo, another good example, good, but not San Diego Zoo good.

The exhibits and halls are nice. The minerals hall is really cool. And I final saw an example of the "famed arts and crafts movement" they talk about on the tram to Disneyland.

If I had one complaint, it would be this, certain sections of the place (namely the 2nd floor) needs to be better designed. Like most museums now days, they kind of direct traffic through the halls. You have a clearly marked entrance and a clearly marked exit, and you walk in a big circle to see all the exhibits. I went to the aquarium while I was in Singapore, and the entire tunnel that ran through the exhibit was a moving walkway, it moved really slow, but it kept everyone moving. There was a "sidewalk" of sorts where you could step off to stand in a section of the tank, but for the most part you just moved through.

All in all, a nice day. Nicole and I will go back to the museum, with kids of a learning age. Maybe our own.

It's 10PM and 88 degrees in Altadena. Sucks.

We didn't land at the Smog Cutter, the Smog Cutter landed on us.

Last weekend, both of Nicole's siblings were in town. Her brother and his friend (Beeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahn) were looking for a place to hang out and have a drink. I could think of no better place in L.A. than my old hang out, The Smog Cutter.

Long ago, before I met Nicole, I was just another young lad in the L.A. hipster scene. I had moved to Hollywood after a few years in the valley and less than a year in Santa Monica. When I wasn't on tour, I would be bar hopping every weekend with the boys when, one weekend, the Smog Cutter landed on us.

I couldn't tell you about the first time I ever set foot in that dive bar. It's been a while since that fateful day. But I can tell you why it was a step below, and at the same time a step above, the other bars I've been to. Of all the bars in L.A. I've been to (and in my younger days, I've been to many), the Smog Cutter is the most fun, least pretentious bar I have ever set foot in.

Unlike many of the trendy bars in L.A., where it's all about seeing people and being seen, the Smog Cutter is all about a good time with friends. If you want a drink and conversation, this is the place to go. Everyone is friendly and everyone knows your name. Well in my case, my name is Tom. For some reason many years ago, the bartenders started calling me Tom. And like Norm from the old sitcom "Cheers", when ever I walked in everyone who knew me would yell, "Tom!" Who could not like a place that yelled your name and had your gin and tonic ready when you walked in?

And unlike the really trendy bars, where the furniture is new, the drinks are served in fancy glasses, the Smog Cutter is a real dump. I started going there back in the mid 90's (1997?) and the only improvement they've ever made was removing the two booths along the wall that took up space for karaoke. Not to mention that fact that if you sat in them you'd fall through the seat and a rescue team of St. Bernard's would come to your rescue. Or at least the rescue of you liver.

There's no fancy glasses, no pour spouts on the bottles. There's just drinking glasses, large bottles of basic alcohol bought at Costco, and ice. The fanciest beer there, Heineken.

Don't bring a credit card, it's cash only, but do bring your singing voice, or at least your drunken singing voice, because it's always Karaoke night. The stools are all mismatched and the cushion has gone.

If you were to go to any bar on the Sunset strip, a good portion of the patrons are there to look good for each other, and the see if there's someone more important they should be talking to. As my brother would call it, "It's a lance party", because most of the guys there are just looking to a woman to take home.

At the Smog Cutter, you rub elbows with Mexican cowboys. No one is there to impress. There are so many regulars that come, you can always tell the new people. And the ones who belong on the Sunset Strip don't stay long at the Cutter.

I'm not a singer, but I've been known to belt out a song or two on karaoke night. And it's a blast.
There's no record execs to impress, and no one cares if you can't sing. If it's a song everyone knows, everyone is singing. Just don't sing anything from the musical "Grease", that will usually silence the crowd. The song choices haven't change since I first walked in the door, so don't expect to find the latest Britney Spears hit. But there's more than enough Frank Sinatra and Neil Diamond to go around.

Come for the karaoke, come for the people, but come mostly for the bartenders. The rumour is that the owner is a former Thai prostitute. And the entire staff is asian women. Mama Nita would be that "Thai prostitute" of legend. On weekends you can find her sitting at the lead corner of the bar, greeting every patron who walks in and coaxing most of them to buy her a shot or two. There's Jan, who basically runs the joint. She's the youngest "looking" of the lot, but the most savvy when it comes to getting your wallet pried open. Lee is the other fixture, she doesn't say much but pours you a good stiff drink either way.

But the reason I come back is Sunshine. She's the most animated, fun older Asian lady in the place. She's from China and speaks with a heavy accent. I don't understand her half the time, but it doesn't matter, she's just being abusive (but in a loving fun way). The only thing she says that I understand is, "Tom, you buy me drink". And open goes the wallet.

Some people think that the place is a total rip off because for every one drink you have, you really buy two (one for the bartender). But if you stay long enough it all works out, because by 1AM even Sunshine and Mama Nita are hammered, so they start buying you drinks. And besides, isn't it like paying for a show?

That's what you get at the Cutter. Nothing fancy, no leather chairs, a pool table with one short leg, and the nicest people in L.A.. And "Tom!" when ever I walk in the door.

"We didn't land at the Smog Cutter, the Smog Cutter landed on us." Probably the best quote I found on the internet to describe the Cutter.

...

The place is so much fun, Chuck Norris made a movie and named after the joint!


Just kidding, but I do find it funny, Chuck Norris and "The Cutter".

...