Road Story - Number 2

So I had a long work day yesterday. But still did nothing. TV work is really boring sometimes...

We've had a house guest for the past few days and she's been interested in my other job, touring. She's not the first, and surely won't be the last to ask me for the gossip and low down of road life. And it got me to thinking, I always talk about writing down my road stories and making a book. Because some of the stuff that happens is wholly unbelievable. So why not put a few of these "road stories" in a blog.

So sporadically through out this blog, if I have a slow day, I'll put in another road story from the archive in my brain.

Today's road story is about Number 2.

For those of you who don't know, most of the time, when you are out touring, playing "roadie" if you prefer, then your home becomes very mobile. You live on a tour bus. I'm sure most of you have seen music videos, or TV shows like Extreme Makeover, there are often have cut away scenes where you see the inside of a tour bus. Every bus design is different, but for the most part they can be divided into a few parts. The front lounge, kitchenette, the bunk area, the back lounge, and the toilet. Nothing fancy, just a place to sit, sleep, eat and pee. No number 2. As opposed to RV's, tour buses (as I understand it) don't have "grinders" to mash up the poop and help keep the stink out of the bus. Thus it's not a good idea to poop on the bus. No number 2.

Now this is an unconfirmed road story. I heard it from a bus driver on a tour I did a few years back, and he was telling it about another bus driver on another tour that was his friend. Or a friend of a friend. You know how this stuff works. So I can't say it's true, but it's a great story.

A young up and coming rap group was starting their first tour. It was going to be through small clubs, nothing fancy. So the tour manager, crew, and 5 members of the rap crew shared one bus. Seeing as they had never toured before, they boarded the bus for the first time and like any newbie, opened every door, pushed every button, turned on every TV. One guy opened the door to the bathroom and exclaimed, "Cool man! We've got a bathroom!"

"Just so you guys know," Said the bus driver (who also has to care for the bus), "The toilet is only for liquids. No solids of any type. No paper or number 2. If anything besides liquids goes in there, there's an additional charge of $250 dollars for a cleaning fee."

The rappers looked at each other a bit confused. There was a bit of silence before they continued to move into the bus. They took off down the road to their first venue and first show.

The next night after the first show, the bus driver arrived at the bus and began preparations to drive to the next city. The rappers et al, were already on the bus ready to go when the tour manager came to the front of the bus and handed the driver $2500 in cash. "Here," he said, "For the first 10 shits."

"I just pocketed the money," The driver told a friend a few months later, "It's not that hard to clean, just find a rest stop with a black water dump and open the valve. The problem is, there's no grinder, so the bus will smell no matter how much chemical I put down the hole. It smelled pretty bad on the bus after a month. At the end of the tour, I just took the bus to a repair shop and had the black water tank removed and flushed. That cost me $250."

True or not, it makes for a good road story.

Don't poop on the bus. And ladies, if you have to go number 1 on a bus, all paper goes in the waste bin, not the toilet.